Memories

Why can't we have selective memory?

You know... like on your PC (or MAC). You keep the files (memories) you need handy and whatever you might need later but actually don't need every day you save on external media or in some folder that you never open.

Unfortunately this doesn't really work with our brain. We store all things somewhere and sometimes things pop up in our head that we don't want to remember. Like you go to a certain place and all of a sudden you remember conversations/people/... and so on that you met there or are somehow related to this place.
Sometimes this is really getting too much for me lately...
It's not that I regret anything that has happened in the past ... but it would make my life sooooo much easier if I could just store some memories somewhere else.
Searching the web for an external long- / mid- and short term memory compatible with my brain came with no results ... at least none that are actually practicable.

I am trying my best not to think about certain moments or conversations and specially one person but it seems that I just can't get it out of my head!
It's getting to a point where I have to stay up watching some stupid TV show to be distracted until I fall asleep... most of the times at around 2-2.30am... so you can imagine what I look like the next day.

Any ideas on how I can get "rid" of memories that are affecting me too much?

The hardest thing I ever did...

I told her good bye... not knowing if I will ever hear from her again...

When I was 6 years old...

When I was 6 years old and returned from our yearly family christmas skiing trip to Schliersee where we also celebrated my birthday, a surprise was waiting for me at home.

My grandparents build me my own big room and stuffed it with new furniture and my toys!

The thing is... i wasn't excited because of the furniture, the toys or anything else in there!!! NO! My first words back then where:

"Great! Now there is enough room for Sonja (my 1st crush in my life) so she can move in!"

My parents where laughing so hard and asked me why she should move in with us.

My reply:

"Because no matter where I look at, the sun, the trees, the stars, the moon I always see her!"

Now I have the same feeling again... 25 years later... (not for Sonja of course). Back then I really enjoyed it ... now ... it's giving me a ******* hard time!

Selfish / Worried

I got called selfish... I say I worry...

Here is the definition of both:

Selfish
Adjective
1. Concerned chiefly or only with yourself; "Selfish men were...trying to make capital for themselves out of the sacred cause of civil rights"- Maria Weston Chapman.

So to say... without taking care of others doing something for your own good

Worried
Adjective
1. Afflicted with or marked by anxious uneasiness or trouble or grief; "too upset to say anything"; "spent many disquieted moments"; "distressed about her son's leaving home"; "lapsed into disturbed sleep"; "worried parents"; "a worried frown"; "one last worried check of the sleeping children".

In other words... taking care of something or someone that is in trouble or having a hard time.

In my current situation it might be mistaken... and this would have a HUGE effect!
I just wish that the right person is reading this and understands...

Stereotype

I bet this post will piss off a few people and will raise loud voices...

The definition of the word stereotype you find here.

I don't know where to start so I start by going a few years back in my live.

I was in a very multi-cultural school. Around 40% of the students where foreigners. Nationalities or religious believes never mattered among us.
Till ... the war in former Yugoslavia! All of a sudden people where fighting on the school yard because they where not Yugo's anymore but Croats and Bosnians and Serbs... they blamed each other for invading the other ones country... people that where long time friends!
This was my first encounter with prejudice and stereotype.
I hated it and swore never to be as stupid as those guys...

Now I got older... and things changed!

It's not a war that is causing me to stereotype... no ... it's my own personal experience which I made within the last 3.5 years. Some of you know that this is the time frame I stayed in Kuwait...

So here is how I stereotype Arabs:

1. Arabs need to show off with expensive stuff... but check their loans... (the average loan of a Kuwaiti is by far more then the average of a German)
2. Arabs date the other genders just like we do... but in secrecy...
3. Arabs act very conservative in public... but wait till they are at home or outside the country...
4. Arabs promise everything... but wait till they need to keep their promise...

Those are just a few things that all of you experienced, I am sure!
Recent developments in my life make me think worse then what I just mentioned above. I truly believe that Arabs are the "best liars" there are on this planet! Why you ask... I tell you:
Kuwaiti society and lifestyle doesn't match AT ALL!!! The reputation of Kuwaitis is by far more important then being honest to one another! Kuwaitis learn to keep things in secret from the day they are born. There are too many things they do that could spoil their reputation and need to be kept secret. So ... they start living a "double life". One for the public and one for them.
There are many many examples I could place here... I just take one:

I was flying back to Germany for a vacation and at the airport two girls wearing Abaya and Niqab where checking in in front of me. Their family was with them at the counter but it was only the two girls flying. The behaved very conservative and I was very surprised that they fly alone without their family. Them and me crossed the border. Family still watching them... so they still behaving according to plan. We bored the plane ... still no change in their behavior. Then I noticed that they where checking on who's flying with them... The plane took off ... the fasten your seat belt sign went off ... they got up ... went to the bathroom with their carry on ... came back in short skirt with lots of make-up, belly free and so on ... !!!
This is just one out of a million examples on living a 'double life' and hiding things and in the consequence lie to the people around you.

Stereotyping is really a bad thing to do... but it seems to happen automatically thru the experiences you make with certain groups or nationalities.

I get stereotyped as well and I hate it! People throw things at me like:

1. "Oh! You are German! Hitler was a great leader and you must love him for what he tried to do!" ... Damn!! He is responsible for several million deaths!! He ruined my country! And the few Nazis that we still have left are absolute outsiders and are not respected at all in Germany!
2. "How can you survive as a German in Kuwait?!? There is no alcohol!!!" ... well ... there is! But... I don't drink!! I never did! NEVER!

Now before you get mad at me, let me finish my post.

YES! I stereotype (not only Arabs)!
BUT!!!
I know that there is good and bad everywhere...
and each person is different...
and everyone deserves a chance...

I just hope I will give this chance to the people I meet and I get proven wrong with my thinking.

Blurry

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Puddle of Mudd / Blurry